


We hold us to the Light

by Bat_and_Breakfast



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, No one is dying in this one, Sure there’s ballroom dancing in the Star Wars universe, WIP while I‘m suffering from writer‘s block
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-03 16:10:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13999785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bat_and_Breakfast/pseuds/Bat_and_Breakfast
Summary: I don’t know where and when exactly this does take place other than it’s before TFA. The First Order has shown its ugly face to the public, Ben has fallen to the dark side, Luke took his struggles as far away as he possibly could and Han has gone back to ways he never really left, but life tends to go on despite people being hurt, sad and lonely. Fortunately it does, because one might move on without really noticing, shedding some of the hurt and the sadness along the way - maybe even find a way to end the loneliness. There’s always hope…





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m a non-native speaker with no native speaker around to proofread. This is my first story in the Star Wars universe, so any mistakes you might notice are totally my fault. You may contact me via tumblr/Twitter - I‘m batandbreakfast on there, too. I will appreciate your advice and try to patch the story accordingly. If you notice any canon mistakes, I’m sorry, but you might get used to them for the time reading this.

_„I’ll hold you to the light, let you shine.“_  
Radical Face - Baptisms

 

The two women stand side by side in an almost secluded nook of the hall. Music, laughter and merry conversations fill the room with an uplifting energy that their everyday life so often lacks these days. Their half drunken glasses of Andoan wine stand at a table next to them and for the moment everything bad seems to be as far away as possible.

"Would you like to dance?“ Amilyn asks, gazing at the beautifully lit dance floor and the couples that move around.

"I’m fine. It’s ok for me not being asked to dance. In fact, the idea of some of them coming up to me… imagine one of the younger pilots asking?“ Leia suppresses a laugh. "I can live with standing here, just watching.“

Amilyn shoots her a look, raising one eyebrow in a perfect arch. "You misunderstood. I was asking if you would like to dance with me?“

"Oh…,“ Leia answers kind of perplexed. She knew Amilyn most of her life and even though for her their bond was as strong as ever, she did notice that Amilyn’s behavior towards her had changed during the last year. Sure she had been at her side during all the pain with Ben and Han, but since then she seemed to keep a kind of distance. Sometimes Leia wondered about Amilyn’s reasons, but for now she hadn’t asked her about them. She would tell her the moment she wanted to or she wouldn’t tell her at all. "It’s been some time since I last danced. I don’t know if I’m up to it?“ she finally responses.

"We will never know, if we remain standing at the side.“ Amilyn’s eyes twinkle and she holds her hand out. "May I ask for the honor of the next dance, your Royal Highness?“ she says in a jokingly formal fashion, even including some kind of small curtesy, offering her hand while holding Leia’s eyes the whole time.

Leia wouldn’t have resisted even if she could have and so she takes Amilyn’s hand with a smile, instantly feeling elevated as soon as their fingers intertwine. There it is again, she muses while being led to the dance floor. I wonder if I will ever touch her without feeling like this. Maybe it is a blessing that Amilyn mostly refrains from touching me nowadays. Both our lives are complicated enough without me adding additional weight to them.

"This is wonderful!“ Amilyn’s voice gets Leia’s attention back to her. She follows her gaze to the ceiling where hundreds of multicolored lights hang. A wide smile spreads across Amilyn’s face while she pulls Leia closer to her, completely enchanted by the twinkling lights. For a moment Leia sees the girl she had been, as multicolored as the lights above, looking for snow owls all along their first pathfinding class, seemingly without a care in the world. The moment passes and now there’s the woman the girl became - her momentary saxe blue colored hair, her blue eyes, the lines of laughter and sorrow that time left on her face.

Amilyn’s hand comes to rest on the small of her back, her warmth kind of amplified by Leia’s awareness of their bodies touching. She had briefly imagined that their difference in height might make dancing kind of awkward, but instead she feels perfect. In fact she hasn’t felt this good for a long time. The music swells around them, other couples dance by and all the lights bath Amilyn in such colors that she shines even more than ever.

Basking in the lights and music, they dance along as if this wasn’t their first dance ever. "I missed you,“ Leia hears herself say. "I haven’t been gone that long this time.“ Amilyn drops her gaze from the lights and looks at Leia inquiringly. "That’s not what I meant, Lyn.“ She doesn’t know why, but moving around the dance floor gives her a kind of safe space to finally acknowledge the change between them. "I miss us. Or at least part of us. I miss us holding hands, hugging us or sitting together, holding us tight. It feels like we don’t do this anymore. I miss you dropping by unannounced in the middle of the night, because you’ve been awake planning the perfect strategy and you just feel like you have to tell me immediately. I miss coming to the same base and regardless of the time I arrive, I could always find you waiting for me at the bay. What happened? Don’t you miss it?“ Some kind of sadness seems to steal over Amilyn’s face, but it vanishes over the blink of an eye and Leia wonders if she only imagined it. "I don’t know. Maybe us getting older and the problems in the Senate and with the First Order and we certainly don’t have as much time nowadays…“ An unusual tinge fills Amilyn’s ever so steady voice. "Speaking of getting older, maybe we should take a break.“ Leia doesn’t feel like taking a break at all, but she doesn’t protest, sensing more than simple exhaustion behind her friends need to quit dancing. They move back to their alcove, their glasses of wine still standing on their table.

Amilyn goes straight for the wine, downing what is left of hers in a few seconds. "Is everything alright, Lyn?“ Leia inquires with a worried look on her face. "I’m sorry. Don’t worry, everything is fine.“ Amilyn answers with a smile, although this one seems to be a bit strained. "I think I’m going to get a refill at the bar, maybe even get a breath of fresh air outside. It is getting kind of stuffy.“ "I’ll come with you.“ By now Leia is concerned. Typically so radiant Amilyn seems kind of ashen. Maybe the dancing had been to much? They weren’t sixteen anymore, even fifty had passed them by and it really was a bit stuffy by now with all the people in the hall. "No, please don’t,“ Amilyn shoots her a pleading look. "I don’t want to spoil your evening just because I’m suddenly feeling a bit under the weather. Some air will do me good and I will be back again in no time at all. We don’t want to loose our table, don’t we?“ Leia stares at her friend, not caring about the table or anything else other than Amilyn. Before she could respond however, Amilyn turns around and heads in the direction of the bar, getting lost in the shuffle after a few steps despite her height and hair.


	2. Chapter 2

_"I’ll hold you against the floor and say, it’s alright.“_

                                          Radical Face - Baptisms

 

What was I thinking, Amilyn scolds herself. I should have known better than to ask Leia for a dance. She heads straight to the bar and gets herself another glass of wine even though she usually doesn’t drink these days. Too much to do, too many plans to hatch. Kriffin’ festive atmosphere and those kriffin’ lights. In fact, Amilyn is perfectly aware that she hasn’t been thinking at all. One moment she stood by Leia’s side, gazing at all those happy looking people dancing in front of them and the next moment her brain went into hiatus, obviously, and whatever took command instead decided that dancing with Leia would be wonderful. She has to admit that it had been wonderful though, a small smile playing along her face. Weaving her way through all the people having a good time, she finally makes it to the balcony uninterrupted. The fresh air is a delight after the heated hall. She walks around the corner, takes her glass to the balustrade and gazes up at the stars. Sadness settles inside her, her mind already engaged in a well-known monolog. I don’t know how I can do this any longer. I can’t seem to pretend anymore. I tried, I tried real hard, but instead of getting easier, it’s getting harder lately. She sights and sits down on the ground, not caring about her dress at all. Leaning back against the balustrade she closes her eyes and lets her mind instead wander back to the dance floor and the feeling of Leia in her arms, a smile once again settling on her face. I’m such a fool, she thinks, feeling like a teenager again. Haven’t I learned a single thing in all those years? She mustn’t know. It’s just not possible. Both our lives are complicated enough without me adding additional weight to them.

"Lyn? What is going on?“ Leia’s voice almost rises her up to her feet. She opens her eyes only to find the other woman standing in front of her, for once even kind of towering over her. How unusual. "Is everything alright? Should I call a med droid?“ Concern colors Leia’s voice while she bends down, placing one hand on Amilyn’s shoulder. "No, please, don’t. There’s no need for that, really. No need to be worried.“ Amilyn replies hastily. "I was just… I didn’t want to…,“ her voice falters and she looks up at Leia, seeing the worry for her in those brown eyes. "I’m sorry.“ "You are sorry? Why?“ Leia looks down at her. "Wait, don’t answer yet.“ She makes a move to sit down on the ground beside Amilyn. "Don’t - your gown!“ Amilyn tries to discourage her, but she is too late for that, because Leia is already by her side, relying on Amilyn’s shoulder for support. "Well, this is certainly a change of perspective,“ she says with her kind of dry humor. "So now you may answer my question, Lyn: What is going on with you?“ While Leia looks at her searchingly, Amilyn fixes her gaze at the stars. "I thought that you wouldn’t notice.“ "That I wouldn’t notice what, Lyn?“ "That you wouldn’t notice my absence in your life.“ "And why would you think that? Do you really think I don't care?“ Leia asks bewildered. "Sometimes little things might get lost in the turmoil of the greater storm, unnoticed by those trying to weather their way through.“ Amilyn answers almost to herself.

Leia looks silently at her friend by her side. She couldn’t escape to notice that Amilyn looks incredibly sad and forlorn. Her eyes seem to hang on the stars with such longing, that for a moment Leia doesn’t really know how to handle this. "Lyn…,“ she finally starts up, laying all her warmth into her voice, hoping to rise Amilyn back into the present "Whatever you’ve been to me, whatever you are to me and whatever you will be to me - ‚a little thing‘ won’t do you justice at all.“ She follows Amilyn’s gaze towards the starlit sky. An almost sensible wave of loneliness coming from the woman by her side hits her consciousness. Leia instinctively moves closer to Amilyn, puts her arm around her shoulder and pulls her towards herself. "It’s alright, Lyn. Everything is alright.“ she murmurs, placing her lips against the rebellious bright curls in front of her. After a moment Amilyn gives in to her pull and rests against Leia with a sigh while gripping her hand. For now they just sit there, both of them almost perfectly still in fear of breaking the spell of finally being embraced again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be kind of short for a chapter, but I hope you enjoyed reading. I'll be abroad for some time starting this weekend, so I can't say when I will be able to write and update, but I'll do my best.
> 
> Thanks for the kudos - they are most appreciated!


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